Lacey Stone and Jessica Clark over on Sweat City, in their “Lesbian Love” video segment, have some advice about straight girl crushes and unrequited love:
LL 119 Straight-Girl Crushes from lacey stone on Vimeo.
Thoughts…
This was (and is) the story of my life, pretty much: I don’t haunt lesbian bars or parties (largely because I’m apprehensive about the prospect of dating someone who may be a heavy drinker) and so I end up crushing a lot (a lot, a lot a lot a lot) on women I encounter in everyday life, who are usually straight. Trying this approach worked very, very well for me for my first serious crush on a woman (or, to be honest, on most anyone), and has failed me systematically every time since, but that hasn’t stopped hope from springing eternal, and me from believing that somehow it’s “purer” or “better” to seek out queer women amongst the straight hordes. And at this point I’m so used to being shot down by straight women, and having queer women not be interested in me, that I’m pretty down on my chances. Lacey and Jessica address how it’s not, ultimately, productive to get emotionally tangled up with straight women (though, yes, it’s fun).
They make the point that it’s safe, too, “for both parties”, one I don’t really understand. Sure, it’s safe for me–I don’t have to deal with serious rejection (except for when they insist for weeks that they’re actually bi before it turns out they’re either fooling themselves or doing it to attract a boy–oh my, Tip, bitter much?). But how is it safe for the straight woman? One of my greatest fears is that I come off as somehow predatory (especially in the wake of my very bad relationship); I sit by and yearn, and don’t want to come off as manipulative or stalker-ly while I’m doing so, because women are, due to gender roles and societal expectations, in a vulnerable position. They/we are taught to fear crushes that don’t go away, or people who are a little too obsessive in their devotion. How is it different when it comes from a woman than when it comes from a man? (“Don’t judge yourself,” they say in the video, without explaining too much about what they mean–maybe this is it.)
They also discuss “sucking it up and telling them”, which, to be honest–and this might be a sign of my immense immaturity–I’ve never found to be a productive pursuit. Never mind the stigma that queerness still carries (and how subconscious stigma can be abruptly brought to the forefront when the person with the stigma is the crush object!)–the incredible (perceived?) awkwardness that ensues tends to be so overpowering that I feel compelled to all-but break off the “let’s just be friends” deal that follows, in a very definite version of the “distance” and “cord-cutting” that they mention in the video. I’ve lost more than a few friends by telling them I love them. At this point I’m not interested in losing more.
At this point, too–after so very long of trying to woo straight women, with no success!–I’ve found myself feeling increasingly pathetic and desperate. Any relationship–even dysfunctional ones with men–feels nice, simply because it fills a need and makes me feel loved. And every woman I crush on, ever, who seems to show the slightest bit of interest, ends up feeling like the last woman in the world.
It’s not a functional, happy, sane model. But Lacey and Jessica have some advice on fixing it.
Also: Lacey and Jessica’s wedding pic at the top of that link is adorable, and worth the click in and of itself.
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