Go on, peruse. Don’t be shy now! Ah. Her. You like her do you? Yes, she’s pretty. Okay now don’t stumble over that broken table, you know what you’re like after a few gins. Oh god and what-ever you do don’t stumble AND throw the drink, you don’t want a repeat of last time. Huh? No. That’s right.
Yes, that’s right walk over. You are a 2010 Fonze. Go on. Swagger. Yes, just like that. Perfect. You totes look like that hot chick everyone loves from that show. Yeah, you know the one that started that whole t-shirt craze “***** is my homegirl”. So lame right? Slame. Okay god don’t use that amalgam when you talk to her. Jesus. Oh shit. Wait you’re here already. Bugger. okay.
“Hi. Do you want to have a dance off to Mos Def or go for a cigarette with me? Yeah it’s SLAME you have to go to the designated ’smoking’ room in this house”
“…….”
——–Ten Minutes later ———
You looser, the one word I ask you NOT to use…. Thank god you have a good smile, that gin chat was rubbish. No, you’re right, it was like eating rubbish. Weldone [my name]. Yes, you can pat yourself on the back, maybe Not while you’re kissing her. Stop thinking, just enjoy the kiss. Oh god. Yes. That’s a nice tongue she’s got there. Okay, okay her hand is wondering, this is a good sign right? Oh fuck, you haven’t shaved. Why are you still wearing this fucking stupid rudeboy-come-east-London-cap. You look like a Shoreditch twat. Twat. Okay. Bye Bye London.
Yup, hello: ‘crotch alert, crotch alert!’. You’re on fire tonight. Rabbid with urges, calm down… she’ll think you’re a teenage boy. Shit, do you think she thinks that already?
————- tequila, more gin and some wine minutes later —————-
Oh yeah, what happened to that girl? This boy was engaging you with Philosophy. At a party. Well, okay you engaged him with rage. Stupid stupidhead. Pretentious babble.
Ooo, Hello. Yes her! She’s really nice. Yeah, you always knew I liked the blonds at drunk o’clock. You know me so well. Okay, let’s chat……
“blah blah blah drunky drunk”
“blah blah?”
“blah”
Yes, she is SO moving in for the kiss. Oooo yes. Now this one IS good. Pretty and smart. Didn’t she say she was studying medicine? Great, she can fix me later. Oh god, do you think she’ll fucking tell me to stop smoking? Bitch. Calm down, you’re drunk, just keep kissing.
“FUCK”
First girl has been watching the whole time.
Okay, second girl is clearly guilt-ridden. Bugger. Look at that face, I think she’s about to cry. You are such a dick. You know the rule. NEVER IN THE SAME ROOM. Okay, right you have to fix this. Oh where do you think you’re going? Don’t get up from the sofa. What the fuck are you doing? YOU’RE GOING TO TALK TO HER? Are you crazy? You’re crazy, I don’t know why I hangout with you. Fine. But this is your mess, you can clearn it up.
“Come over here, come sit down”
Well of course she’s going to be reluctant.
Are you God? She’s actually following you! I am taking a page out from your lady bible. Yeah maybe later, I’m too drunk now. Okay.
So what’s the game plan? Well they’re both here on the sofa with you now. What? No. No!
———————inane drunk chat——————
second girl leaves. Yes, you are a twat. She’s gone now. No threesome with you. And first girl? Yeah I think she’s going to punch you. Or slap? She looks like a slapper.
——————–some alcoholic beverage later———-
cupboard sex. Really? You’re 23. In fact 24 in less than a month.
You arsehole.
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