You just haaad to kiss her

And just when you think things are going totally great… you kiss her on the street at 2AM.

 

I don’t know if I mentioned that the girl I’m sleeping with is also my teacher. Well, she is. Fortunately, that hasn’t ever been an issue, and her class is BRILLIANT, and would have been just as much had I not been undressing her in my mind during class occasionally. I learned an incredible amount from my peers and she opened me up to a new way of singing and acting that blew my fucking mind.

We all went out for a drink after the last class, & this woman and I (plus my roommate/bff S) got high. I know my limits, I know to be good in front of people & not make an ass out of myself. This girl is no dumbass. We had a fabulous time laughing and extolling each other’s virtues.

It was time to leave, S and I walked out w/my teacher & one of my peers, and they walk us two to the train station where we said our goodbyes. My teacher gives me a hug and an obvious kiss lean-in, which surprises me, but I go for it- why not, I’m fucked up and it’s 2 in the morning. Generally, I’m not the kiss-in-front-of-people type, but she wasn’t stopping me & I certainly wasn’t pushing her.

But an hour later, my answering machine said otherwise.

Apparently I was being too pushy. I initiated it all, and it made her uncomfortable but she didn’t want to pull away (mind you, she full on MADE OUT with me on the street. There were like… 6 times she could have pulled away, easy) and make me feel badly.

I’m not sure what to say b/c I’m completely flabbergasted by the way that she has been able to manipulate the entire event into being my fault entirely. Certainly I take some of the blame– maybe I did read her completely wrong! But, if I did, wouldn’t she have just stopped it after one little kiss, hugged me and pulled away? Because I certainly don’t deserve to have the ‘that made me uncomfortable’ speech, which usually I have to give. She’s not my girlfriend, I know that. It was a strange, overly-intoxicated situation. I know that too. I certainly am willing to take… even 65% of the blame. But the fact that she can completely wash her hands of it and make ME feel like the asshole is making me REEEL right now. The nice/appropriate/mature way to handle that is to say, ‘you felt funny about that too, right? okay, as long as we’re both clear that that wasn’t what we want to do at 2AM with other people around.’

Again, it’s the assumption that I am not-aware, the assumption that I am immature and therefore irresponsible. Fuck that, I am a damn adult who was as surprised by her kiss as she was by mine. I actually said to S as I was walking away, ‘uhm. So that was  surprise. Sorry.’

And only women do this. Men aren’t manipulative in this way. But women, and specifically this woman, is neurotic in a way I’ve never experienced before… And until I got that phone message, I was in a really good place with her (thinking we’d just blow that stupid thing off), saying how amazing she was, really giving her all this positive energy.

So much for that.

Fortunately I have a brilliant and beautiful roommate who talked me down to a human level after I started screaming about this. We made a beautiful pasta dinner at 3:30AM and watched classic Friends episodes before passing out.

And I have to remember that the right one is going to treat me right. Whether I like this woman or not (which I do. She’s beautiful, talented, evolved, and a total genius/disaster), if she’s not going to treat me with the respect I deserve, it’s a really good thing she’s not my girlfriend.