So, I suppose I should go into a little of my history. Some back-story, if you will. (Not gonna dwell on the childhood part too much, though – I’m hoping a short paragraph or two will suffice.) Born in a small town in the midwest, adopted and moved into a bigger town in the midwest. Had a happy childhood for the most part; really can’t complain about any of it. Parent’s are super nice/responsible/do-gooding/god-fearing/socially liberal folk.. which can really be a bizarre combination at times. Like, they believe that homosexuality is against God, but gays should at least have the same rights as everyone else before they go to hell.. *laughs*
Looking back, there were signs of my sexual preferences everywhere, but I was super clueless at the time. Sure, I loved playing doctor with my girl friends, as well as “house” where I was always the dad.. but did I think for a second that I might actually be gay? Oh hell no. Once I was out of high school and into college, I had just come to the conclusion that I was bi. I was attracted to girls, but I had never actually established an emotional connection with one. All of my emotional connections were with men. Specifically one man – David.
I met David my junior year of college; so that would’ve been…oh.. October of 1999? He was setting up the dorm to be a haunted house for the local kids to come through and he needed to borrow a chair. Pretty simple beginning, really. He and I never really got to talking until the spring of 2000, and then, at that point, we were inseparable.
A little about David. How do I describe him? He’s.. amazing. Really. I couldn’t have found someone more perfect for me. He’s kind, sweet, gorgeous, a creative genius, wonderfully artistic and about as laid-back as someone can get without turning into an inanimate object. He was always connecting with animals and children, though he wasn’t trying with the kids..lol They were just drawn to him. His mother always told me that when he was growing up he used to stand back and watch the other kids playing. Rarely would he actually join in. He’d just watch with a little half-smile on his face. He was an old man trapped in a child’s body, she’d say. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s an old soul.
We were together for approx 5 years before David proposed to me. And he did it in about the coolest way imaginable: He made a movie. Not just any movie, but a silent film where he portrayed Charlie Chaplin. (Side note: David’s been portraying Charlie since he was about 6 years old.. no kidding. He’s a dead ringer for the man, too. It was pretty incredible to watch.) Of course, I said yes immediately. I mean, good God.. who wouldn’t say yes to that? But really, cool proposal aside, I was ready to spend the rest of my life with that man. *smile* He made me that happy.
So.. we got married, did the whole traditional wedding thing, had a cool reception with all our favorite people there. About a year later we bought our first house together in the suburbs. A cute-ass little cape cod that was built in the 40’s. Ohmygod it was AWESOME. Lots of fantastic little architectural details, a gi-normous back yard that was an absolute bitch to mow, and a creepy basement that looked more like a dungeon but was fabulous for themed parties.
I’d say I was like.. 85% happy with my life at that point. The only issues that he and I had were in the bedroom. (duh) David and I were extremely close as friends, but we weren’t so good at being lovers. As time went on, I was losing more and more interest in sex. It got to the point where I was dreading it. I didn’t want to bring it up because of how guilty I felt about it, and David was hesitant for fear of hurting my feelings.
It finally got to the point where we couldn’t ignore that there was a serious problem brewing. I automatically assumed that it was my fault and that there was something wrong with me. So, I went to the doctor to try to figure out what the issue was. I had at first assumed that my testosterone levels were off due to my long-term use of birth control. I had been taking it for 10 years at that point, and I had heard that extended use of birth control could sometimes end in a decline in one’s sex drive. Well, the doctor just kinda looked at me funny when I told her my libido had dropped SIGNIFICANTLY, but she agreed to testing my levels. Of course everything was normal, but I refused to accept that as an answer. So I went to a pharmacist (the kind that can actually diagnose you themselves and create an all-natural cocktail of vitamins & minerals to aid your every ailment.) She was a very kind woman, and I did try the concoction she proposed for me for about 3 months, but ultimately there was no change.
I was getting reeeealllly frustrated at this point, as you can imagine. There was nothing wrong with my chemistry, so maybe there was something wrong with my brain. (See my logic? Yeah..) I figured my body image might have a part to play, and it did, to a point. I had always been overweight, even since I was a child. Not morbidly obese or anything, but big enough that I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I had a fire lit under my ass to fix myself, and I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t been so frustrated that I never would’ve done it, but I got my ass to a gym and hired a personal trainer.
Yeah, I actually had a personal trainer for like, 7 months. And oh my god did that work. I was dropping weight like it was hot. Not only did she kick my ass every other morning, but she was in charge of my diet as well. I felt great. Like, really great. I was starting to feel ok with myself. Unfortunately, nothing was changing in the bedroom. I had a ton more energy, but none of it was really directed towards sex.
I was at a loss, and David, while really supportive and super proud of me for what I had accomplished, was frustrated with the situation, too. I was starting to wonder if it was just him… and maybe not me. Was it possible that I just wasn’t attracted to my husband anymore? I tried looking at other guys at work, and while they were cute and flirty, I wasn’t feeling anything for them. I wasn’t feeling much of anything at that point and it was killing me. I felt so incredibly guilty that I didn’t want my husband and best friend of 8ish years. I mean, he’s an incredible man! Any woman would be so lucky to have caught his attention, and here I was just wasting it… or so I thought. I felt like I was failing him.
I was getting desperate. I really didn’t know what else to do. I considered going to a shrink, or even a sex therapist, but I couldn’t afford that sort of treatment, and the idea of professional help, while probably the most effective choice, was kinda embarrassing. What was I supposed to say, exactly? “Hey there! I’m a sexually frigid/repressed 29 year old. Fix me.” So what did I do instead? What every woman should do at some point in their life:
I joined a burlesque troupe.
(that’s all for now… more nekkid goodness coming your way soon)
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