It’s nearing the end of the first decade of this millenium, and what better time now than to reflect on this year (and possibly years gone by).
I started this blog back in July. It was an opportunity to say and vent the feelings, perceptions and stories that I felt I couldn’t share anywhere else. However, London Girl has become a lot more than that.
You see, I thought I would just write and that would be it. I didn’t actually think I would learn from myself, or that I would revisit my old ramblings and gain insight. Yet I have. I’ve actually documented something quite special and powerful here – and at the time I didn’t even realise it.
This however, has been a long time coming. Let’s rewind a few years. 2004/5 – that’s a good year.
I was about fourteen/fifteen, and I became aware that I had feelings for my best friend of the time. She is straight – and I was ashamed. I’d always harboured feelings, and inclinations about my gayness, but I was never, ever comfortable about it. I was always worried and scared – scared that I would be outcasted, that my life would reach a new hell, one far worse than the one I was living in. More importantly, I was scared that one day I would pluck up the courage to do something about this crush I had.
It was at that point where I made a crucial decision – one which it wasn’t until this year that I have been able to begin to reverse. I would cease all communication with this friend. It was easier to not speak to her, and pretend that I hate her, that to maintain such a close friendship whilst not being able to be with her. Thus, for four years I didn’t speak to her.
Following our weird break-up, I maintained my “hetero” appearance. Well, I was crap at it… But I would hesitate and act out dislike when other female friends insisted on groping my arse or boobs (apparently they are gropable!) – in order to portray this fake image of myself. I wouldn’t get drunk in case I revealed something I didn’t want to be let-loose, and I lied to my friends and family.
Then comes 2009. Many have claimed that this year has been terrible; things have happened, or it’s not been as exciting as previous years – and coupled with the economic crisis which currently looms over us, things don’t seem to be improving that much. I would have to disagree though.
This year for me has been a year of great and enourmous change. I started off the year (posting on my public blog) about how I am shrouded in secrecy, and how I never, ever feel at ease. Everything I say and do is just a facade; and I can’t write openly, I can’t express myself because I feel so bottled up. It was a horrible feeling – one which I never want to have to return to. I wasn’t myself – I was a reflection of a distorted image. It was dangerous.
Then I came out. It was a rather slow, and in some ways – painful – experience. It wasn’t painful because anything bad happened as a consequence, but it was painful in that for the first time I felt internally happy. It was painful because I had to break down all of those wall and barriers which for so long harboured my true self – the one that for many years I couldn’t come to accept or admit.
I am however, extremely lucky to know the people I do. They’re a great bunch – and yes I do moan about them – but if it wasn’t for my friends, I don’t honestly think I would be in the position that I am now. Okay, I’m still hopelessly single; but they’ve given me the strength, understanding and freedom to be who I wanted to be. In the past I surrounded myself with the wrong sort. Y’know who I mean – the opinionated, the close-minded, and non-obliging people of the world. Thoroughly heterosexual, and more often than not – right-wing. They were good friends to me, but they weren’t supportive, nor were they open-minded. They couldn’t see past there own view or take on the world – and that only made things worse for me.
I now feel comfortable to be who I am. To be the person who I think as far back as I can remember, I always knew I was. I don’t feel ashamed any more.
Yet, I’ve gained all of this in just eight or nine months.
That is why 2009 has been a good year. Okay, my Summer was all-in-all, rubbish. My AS grades weren’t particularly wonderful either; and things aren’t exactly brilliant with home-life either… But for once I want to celebrate the positives of a year, instead of harnessing on all of the bad.
This year has been so life-changing. I’ve met knew people, I’ve found support, I’ve opened my mind. Even this time last year, if I were to count all of the people who I fancied or liked, it wouldn’t extend beyond five. Now that I am accepting, and more open… Well that number has greatly increased.
I know I still have some way to go. I need to overcome my mind, and I need to embrace who I want – or at least embark on a stronger mission to find someone I can call my own. But I’ve paved the foundations to make this possible. I’m out of the closet, I’m free, and I’m happy. But also, I can see the beauty in life and in people more readily than I previously had done.
So to everyone out there, I wish you a Happy New Year. I hope that this past year has been good for you too, and I wish that you too can focus on the positives that make all of our lives worthwhile. I hope that whatever problems, issues and personal missions you face, that you can overcome them, and learn to accept that our indivuality is the essence of mankind. Embrace who and what you are, and fear not being that person.
I would love to hear your stories of 2009, and so I’ve set up an anonymous posting form. Just type whatever you want in the box (absolutely anything), and all replies (unless you’ve elected otherwise) will be posted on a new page called FormSpring. Please post whatever you want here; it’s completely anonymous – think of it as telling a secret to a stranger!
x
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