The morning after last episode’s dramatic encounter between – well – everyone, is a quiet, reflective time. Flo paces like a caged tiger, Annie and Kendra timidly discuss drama. That’s when Natalie opens her big mouth to wake everyone up like the town’s bitchy crier. She alerts everyone to the Bad Girls photo shoot tomorrow, then notices Kate has talked smack on her pop art portrait. To get back at her, Natalie writes on Kate’s walls that Kate is jealous, except she does this with some barely legible water-based marker, which Kate easily wipes off.
Why would Malibu be jealous? She has everything. Everything save some vocal inflection and the energy to stand and hold conversations.
At the salon, Flo, Amber, and Natalie get their nails did and va-jay-jays waxed. For Flo, this is in anticipation for all the “box eating” that’ll go down when she takes the BGC to Girl Bar, a premiere lesbo hang in LA. Amber writhes in disgust in her chair like the gay baseball player she is.
Natalie explains that she may let a lady eat her box, and I’m thinking, as I watch the Asian ladies do their nails in silence, this is probably what those nail ladies actually talk about in Korean all day too.
At least, I hope so, because I’d be really pissed if they were actually talking shit about my nail beds and sub-par cuticles.
The girls go back to the house where Amber confides in Kate she doesn’t want to go to the munchbox bar, but if she admits that, she knows she’ll be labeled a homophobe. Kate can relate from her “black bar night” incident and they bemoan having to pretend to act lesbian, or even endorse that behavior. See, Ambular doesn’t buy the whole “bisexual” thing, she just knows that Flo sucks internally.
Later that night, Kendra brings back yet another man to the mansion, Angel, who she met at the speed dating event. The girls try to make it “romantic” for Kendra by bringing candles, stuffed animals, and getting naked in the pool next to them to steal attention.
Is it just me, or is Annie talking to the blow up animals and then to Kendra and Angel on the bed such 6 year old girl stunt to try and impress her parents? But on the upside, well done, Dan. Your girl just got “sort of” bad. Unforch for Kendra, her night ends pretty PG. Thanks, Annie.
Flo goes to talk with Amber in attempts to assuage her fears about the gay bar (which, from the looks of their hair and makeup, clearly takes place AFTER their makeover/photo shoot and the producers and editors are hoping we don’t notice the chronological shuffle). Amber again tries to explain her outlook: see, when she made out with women before, that was under different circumstances. That was to look like a slutty fantasy so she could get dick. See the distinction, Flo?
You’re just confused, which do you like? Cooter or penis? Way to throw condescension into the convo, Amber. Well, now Flo’s pissed and is prescient enough to say that if Amber keeps pushing the matter they’re gonna have a problem and Flo would punch her dead in the face.
The next morning it’s photoshoot time!
Actually, ixnay on that exclamation mark. The whole day is a big yawn, very uneventful. It was fun to see the action behind the pictures I eventually photoshopped, but the Portia reunion with Natalie was totally anti-climactic. Everyone laughed along with Natalie calling her a wild banshee, then when they saw Portia, they all hugged her.
Natalie didn’t even talk to her. Boring. No points. Moving on.
As the girls get ready to go out to Girl Bar that night, Amber gets on the horn with her boyf to bemoan the plight of the straight girl stuck in this L-World. CUT TO: Flo putting on the most horrendous puke green eye makeup ever. Steamy. As the girls enter the club, perhaps Kendra put it best, “I never feel uncomfortable anywhere, so Flo? Have a great time. Hold it down, this is your spot.” Thank you, Kendra, for not being a C-U-Next-Tuesday about it! Even Kate stands by the strip pole with bills in her hand! Albeit she wistfully glances over at Amber, proud that she’s showing Flo support. How is she supporting Flo? She’s pouting on the crushed velvet bench, bitching about having to be there. Now, I want to say that this scene really racked me up some mucho muffdive points, but as I glance at the board, I “technically” only get 3 points for a same sex M.O.
There is no category for “same sex licking tops of boobs” and “same sex feeling up” – but would this fall under the “Lesbian Action anything more than kissing” category? It’s a fair question. I think Flo earned those damn points.
Back at the house, Amber asks Flo if her mother knows what she does. I mean, she must be mortified and embarrassed watching this! Amber, seriously, shut the eff up. Flo is a proud Albanian woman just trying to represent! And the fact that Flo didn’t fly off the handle at Amber for speaking out of school AGAIN on the issue is points to Flo right there. (Or should I say, props, clearly I’m not getting more points out of this.) I’m just building a case here, people, of why the ultimate climax of this show should implicate Amber as being just as guilty in instigating the fight as she was attacked.
The next night, they go to Big Wang’s – which appears to be a shittier version of Applebee’s. Angel shows up and orders $20 worth of food and leaves Kendra with the bill.
This is a deal breaker for Natalie, who is now co-running Kendra’s game. Angel is dunzo on their list. So Dunzo that they’re gonna punk him via phone later after he sings on their message machine. Ugh, this guy does suck.
But fear not, Natalie is bringing in back-up. Another D-list athlete! Lawrence, her “NFL Baller” friend, who I get the impression is a Streisand-ticket-holding-friend-of-Dorothy’s. But he tells Natalie to not kiss him because he has a girlfriend and they are JUST friends. Sorry, Natalie, you’re just an unknowing fruit fly. A shrieking banshee of a fly.
In the limo ride home, Flo mounts Natalie in a drunken/humping glory make out sesh.
Kendra, giddy and inspired, proceeds to make out with every girl in the limo, INCLUDING AMBER. Don’t think Flo doesn’t see that shit. But I’m sure Amber would chalk it up to extenuating circumstances again. Lesbo’s are still gross.
At the mansion, Baller Lawrence and his friends join the girls for some after-hours fun. Natalie, in a slutty teddy, lures Lawrence to her bed, but he’s distracted by her slam book/mood wall of pictures of her kissing her boyf ever so gently. You digging Olamide, Mr. Lawrence? Mmmhmm, thought so. When Lawrence has no sugar to pour on Natalie’s sourpuss, she gets thee to a Nunn-ery (get it?!) and protests in confessional, no, no, they would never do anything, they’re just friends! Safe remarks from a woman scorned.
Now here’s where the action heats up. And what better setting than in the hot tub? With alcohol in her system and an audience of men, Amber starts yapping her pie hole about bisexuals again because Annie is wearing AmAp’s “Legalize Gay”.
And she repeats herself – “You’re not gonna like what I have to say, but I’m gonna say it” – so STFU already, woman! Flo comes forward and starts getting in her mouthy, pitbull state, calling out Amber’s hypocrisy of kissing girls. Amber tries to clarify she doesn’t understand licking the cooter, see? There’s a distinction, dammit. Flo gets up in her face and Amber flips and pushes Flo into the pool off the ledge, fracturing her ankle.
Flo is in pain, threatens to kill Amber and Amber says in the confessional “Flo, why don’t you get out of the pool and kick my ass because I’m not backing down.” See? She asked for it.
After injuring Flo, Amber hovers, antagonizing her more. So naturally, when Flo gets out of the pool, she rushes Amber and shoves her, then proceeds to pick her up by her hood rat curls and throw her across the floor.
Woohoo! My point board is flying through numbers like that Union Square counter that counts the national debt or some shit like that! Other Bad Girls rush to hold them back from fighting more, until Amber scurries away into the van to hide. Amber says that she didn’t mean to hurt Flo, but she didn’t care that she fucked up her ankle just the same.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you: a heartless Amber, just as violent as Flo, but painted the victim because she didn’t have a frothing, foaming mouth as Flo did. And ergo are we to rush to judgment that Florina is the villain? Don’t be fooled by Amber’s defense that she was just trying to respect Flo. How is bringing up a sore argument and instigating and pushing her into the pool respecting her? I think you’ll agree that Amber has no leg to stand on in this situation. And Flo is down to one leg.
As Flo gets taken to the hospital, and Amber to a hotel room to cool off for the night, Natalie escorts her pathetic NFL mantourage to the door, apologizing for them having seen the house in such shambles of drama. Annie and Lexie, useless Extras, discuss how Flo deserved it. They seem to have forgotten the chronology of the night, Amber started it and Flo just responded in kind, and now they are saying she is the one at fault. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m not claiming Flo is innocent, by no means, I’m merely explaining how it was in defense and in response to initial acts of violence and verbal instigation. No party is innocent here. I rest my case.
The next morning, Amber comes back from the hotel room, where she gathered her homophobe thoughts, I guess, and Kendra and Natalie go to pick up Flo, now in a cast, from the hospital. They regretfully inform her that Amber took a poll if everyone would be cool if she sent Flo home, and they were. They coach her that she needs to put on her best show and cry and beg for mercy.
Flo is astounded SHE has to beg for forgiveness, but agrees to put on a show. And a show it is! She limps and whimpers and cries when the house confronts her. She tries to stand, and hurts her ankle again, quick! Rush to her side! Amber has no clue what it took Flo to get to this house! (Well, probably the same amount of rounds of casting in the tri-state area, but I’m sure the trip was a bit longer from Staten Island. The ferry coulda been a traumatic experience for Flo).
On the staircase, Flo makes a final, teary-eyed plee to Amber. She was in a horrible state when she made the threat to chop her body into pieces! Please?? She won’t even touch another drop of alcohol for the rest of her time in the house! (Whoa! Let’s not get crazy now, Flo. Shit, I’d rather you get kicked out and get me those points then sit there and rot with no points like an Amber for the rest of the season.)
Anyway, Amber’s stupid face buys the act hook, line, and sinker and decides to let her stay. (Maybe it was that dramatic, touching string accompaniment to the scene that swayed her?).
Amber announces by the pool that she can stay, Flo, sucks back a cig and coughs up a thanks. That’s when the act drops. Natalie is proud of Flo’s manipulation, shit, Flo is a better actress than Johnny Depp. Flo shares an Iago-like complicit “Shh” with the audience in confessional. What a wicked minx! Love this girl. She can’t “guarantee” she won’t murder someone while she’s here. And I’m BACK IN THE GAME!
Previews from the next episode tell me that it’s “Opposite Day!” Natalie and Kate are BFFs, Kate is spitting in Kendra’s face, and Flo is nowhere to be seen! I do hope that Natalie pushes Annie into a rage though, so Annie can actually be watchable and interesting for once. And I also look forward to someone else covering my shift and writing this blog for the week. Anyone? Kthxbai.
No comments:
Post a Comment