Family info

If living a homosexual lifestyle is wrong and against what God calls us to then it is a good thing I got married before my desires fully awoke in me.  Because honestly right now where I am with my feelings and thoughts and such, I don’t think I would go after a guy or go out with a guy that had an interest in me.  And as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mom, and to have the perfect little family.  That has never changed.  If I didn’t have it now, I would be really depressed.   I was always so scared growing up that I wouldn’t “find the right guy”, someone who wanted to marry me and have a family with me.  I was afraid to be alone and single and I wanted to have kids more than anything.  But I don’t know if I would have ever followed that path for myself if my SSA (same sex attraction) had manifested earlier in life as they do now.  So I am thankful for my family!

Also, since I have to be married to have this life I desired, there is one way I guess I did good in marrying the man I did.  I mean how many other Christian men do you know that would stick through a marriage with a wife who identifies with being a lesbian?  One thing my husband is good at is faithfulness.  I don’t have to worry about him cheating on me or leaving me.  He is in it for the long haul, whatever that may look like.   When this all blew up in our faces a couple years ago hard core, we actually threw around the D word.  Yeah we actually thought about divorce, seriously, for the first time, it was like… are we going to try to work this out or is it over right now?  As I sat there on the floor crying, knowing what I felt inside, and wanting that out so bad (because yes I wanted to leave, I didn’t love him anymore), but I couldn’t say yes let’s end it.  I could not let go.  Something made me want to hold on; no matter how bad everything sucked in our marriage, no matter how little good feelings I had for the man standing in front of me, no matter how strongly I wanted to go out and explore the new life I was beginning to lead, no matter that i finally had a group of friends and was enjoying something about my life for me, etc…  I could not let go of my marriage and i could never let go of God.

Now it wasn’t easy coming back from that situation, that place I was in.  But we went to a marriage conference and talked things out and worked on a lot of stuff.  Things got a lot better over time.  As i tried telling myself that it was all lies, none of what I was experiencing was real.  I was believing false information, etc.  I kept trying to push it all away and just focus on my life, my family, God, my walk, etc.   For a while that would work.  The feelings diminished, the realness of it all seemed to wane.  But then over time they would come back.  They always come back.  No matter how hard I try to ignore them or think they don’t exist or whatever, they keep coming back.  They are real.  They do exist.  I can’t just sweep them under the rug.  So i am constantly dealing with these feelings up and down as well as a marriage that is up and down.  When the marriage is down and the feelings are up it can get pretty bad.  Having feelings of hate toward your spouse while at the same time desiring something outside the marriage can really make things difficult.  I am glad the two don’t coincide that often.

Like last night… I am in sort of a high with my SSA right now but things are good at home.  Last night I was in a good mood and we were in bed.  I was trying to go to sleep since I was pretty tired from not enough sleep the night before with the baby.  Well once I started going to sleep I was no longer that tired.  So I decided to torn over and watch some TV with the hub.  I had an urge to go over to him and snuggle with him.  Now I am not a snuggler usually, and remember I am battling with my thoughts of women pretty hard right now, but it felt really nice.  I wanted to be with him in a real, honest, loving way.  It was cool I could enjoy that despite what my physical desires are telling me.

There have also been other times where I am really battling out loving my husband and being pissed at him for whatever reason.  But I will be in a really good place with my thoughts and feelings and I focus on what I want for our marriage and living for God, etc so I will pray a lot more and talk to people for advice and try to do what i can to make the situation better.

So yeah, from day to day things change.   So who knows what tomorrow holds.  I like my feelings, and I wanna be happy and enjoy life, but I also want to be a good and faithful servant to my Lord Jesus.  So I pray I make the right choices every day.