THE COMPANY fired one of my favorite people Friday, they fired him for some bullcrap reason, lack of production, but what he lacked in productivity he supplied in morale boosting. So they fired one of my favorite coworkers and I met his replacement, Mr Slowsky, the comcast turtle…this is what he looks like, the comcast turtle. I know what your thinking, you think Im going to rip him up because he took my friends job, but Im not, Im going to make observations about this grotesque man/turtle…first for those who do not know the comcast turtle, I offer this clip as a photographic explanation
So a number of things jumped out at me when whatever his man/turtle name is offered his hand for me to shake
1)damp palms, soft, cuticles chewed
2) wart/mole the size of a golf ball on his neck
3)nose hair growing out of his nose and onto his upper lip like some kind of ivy
4)bad breath
and thats just from the neck up…during our time chatting (it was a requirement) he would constantly rock back and forth like he was autistic, I thought maybe he should be wearing a helmet so he could go bang his head against a wall…he wore a polyester shirt (obviously he doesnt know that if he spontaneously combusts that polyester shirt will emit toxic fumes endangering his new coworkers) the shirt was also a wee bit too tight offering the room AMPLE evidence that the air conditioning was working (gawd, I wanted to puke or at least get him a shawl or a mumu, tunic…body bag…) then there was the too tight poly blend SLACKS…that word is like BLOUSE its just a frumpy word…anyway the SLACKS were too high and too tight, he had successfully segmented his fat into an upper and lower region he looked like a pyramid from the belt down, he had created a fat skirt and it was not flattering.
So as we were working together yesterday he asked me three questions that made my bowels churn, are you married, are you dating, are you single..all in a four hour period those questions cropped up…I am concerned, I may have to kill him…or maybe I’ll just crush his spirit and take away his will to live, that sounds like more fun…
Its going to be a good day
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